The day I wanted to quit my job

As I trudged inside the home, after being boxed in the car for a good hour with my children, I declared to my husband “I don’t want to be a mom today.”

My hubby replied, “I am sick of my work too.”

I grabbed the opportunity. “Let’s switch places.”

My second one shrieked with enthusiasm. “Yay!! We get to be with abbu for five days.”

My husband pretended to be busy with his insipid work, while two kids hung from his head.

“Yeah, you won’t last two days.” I jeered at him.

He kept up his act.

But only for a while- my son threw a tantrum.

Abbu inquired, “What’s wrong with him?”

Mama answered, “He is hungry.”

Abbu: “Why don’t you have an eating routine?” Mama: “I have. I make breakfast, school snack, lunch, dinner, and everyone is expected to eat at specific times: except, they don’t.”

Abbu: Are you telling me he hasn’t eaten anything since morning?

Mama: I am telling you, I have a battle with these kids EVERY day on EVERY SINGLE meal time.

I have skinny kids and I have been exhausting myself, for as long as I can remember, to make sure they stay in the normal growth range- but in vain. Mealtime is my Waterloo- every single day.

“I don’t want to do this job: I am a failure!!”

Hubby dearest smirked, “Oh, that’s good! Failure is a sign of trying.”

I gave him the death stare.

“It has been 10 years, and I am still on square one. Not one of them is interested in eating and now I have more things to think about and I can’t seem to figure them out as well.”

Hubby: “I have an official dinner tonight. Have you seen my earphones?”

“Why don’t you take the kids with you? I am telling you, I want a break.”

Hubby: “You can do it!!”

“I don’t want to do it” I muttered and turned. My hubby had left, already.

So went on the remainder of the day.

My eldest was more interested in her books than in preparation for her upcoming assessments. I kept reminding her and then I threatened her with dire consequences. She half-heartedly sat down.

I seriously suck at this job.

My other two were making a racket and I told them off.

What a horrible job.

I made a big pot of beef and veggie stir fry and kept calling them to dinner. When they finally turned up at the table- my eldest picked out all the veggies and ended up with just-boiled rice. My second complained of the visible onion and third was too busy jumping from one chair to another.

I thundered, “Finish the meal or go to bed on empty stomachs!”

I will be better off as a jail matron.

I noticed the big mess my son has left behind after all his art activities.

Somebody, please tell me this gig has been approved for a salary?

I so wanted to throw in the towel.

I wanted to cry my heart out.

I was so not in a good place the whole day and for no obvious reason.

Except…

Too often we mothers base our worthiness to our level of productivity: activities with kids, housework, job, and so on - planning just ME activities tantamount to heretical.

We readily bond over the martyrdom of motherhood: who sleeps less, which one is crazy busy, who is super stressed- forging relationships over playful pursuits seems like a defection.

And why would we think or act otherwise? We have been so conditioned to take care of others first, suck it up, and push ourselves to the back burner that the mere thought of just chilling gives us anxiety.

There are going to be good days and there are going to be not so good, very bad horrible days.

So today,

Let’s make a list of things that make us happy and then follow on it.

Let’s make time for our girlfriends, if only for a while.

Let's watch that movie that we have been wanting to for so long- even if we doze off in the mid.

Let’s put up our feet and read that chick lit and gorge on that brownie for sinful pleasure.

Let’s catch up on sleep and let kids watch tv for that while.

Let’s just slack a little today.

No meditation, no gratitude- just fun and frivolity for the girl today!