10 Step Process to Parent a Strong-Willed Child

I am always on a roller coaster-one that is controlled by my strong-willed children. Yep, not one, not two but three fiercely independent kids!

I say something, my child either negates or turns a deaf ear or asks endless questions or simply ignores. I try to reason with him, cajole her, bribe, and threaten him. Finally, I raise my voice and use I-am-the-parent-do-as-I-say-right-now ultimatum. Or sometimes, I use the desi moms’ favorite weapon- an emotional tirade.

Call them spirited, headstrong, stubborn, rambunctious, and courageous or my favorite- dictator (actually my ammi’s favorite moniker for us siblings!), strong-willed children live life at full throttle. They are fiery creatures, always right in their opinion, don’t take kindly to commands, really dig in their heels when we would rather not have them, and need I mention the daily battles over the littlest of issues.

For parents who are raising such spirited children, you are not alone. We don’t have to slog through this bumpy ride. If we are open to different perspectives and understand our kids' underlying emotions, we can actually thrive.

No? Well, since we are not getting off soon (not before they grow up), might as well try something else.

• Don’t be a lizard:

Yelling and engaging in power struggles tilts the control onto our child, but results in anxiety and confusion in them. They want to be assured that in the avalanche of their emotions, we can hold firm.

We have two choices- either react from our primitive emotional brain aka lizard brain or stop, take a deep breath, let our rational brain take over, and say, ‘I am not a lizard’.

• Remember your ‘Why’:

Of course, we want our child to do as we say. But not because of obedience, meaning that he always does what someone bigger tells him to do.

We want our child to listen to us because she trusts us, because even though we may not always comply with her, but we have her best interest at heart. We want to raise an adult who is responsible, considerate, and tactful to discern whom to trust and when not to get influenced and do the right thing even when it’s hard.

• Connect, connect, connect:

Connection is 80% of parenting. Get curious and try to understand where she is coming from.

It helps to remember that we are a team- it’s not about either one of us winning; rather it’s about creating a strong relationship whereby we support our child and work together.

So in the heat of the moment, though it may seem mission impossible, give her a tight hug.

• Validate and empathize:

Guess what? Our children have an ego too that needs to be saved.

Try to validate her feelings or express that you understand why she has acted the way she has, even if you don’t prefer her reactions.

Your child is angry over something. Try putting yourself in the shoes of your five, ten, or fifteen years old. Try seeing the world from their eyes. Don’t trivialize their issues.

• Use statements, not commands:

SWC is wired to inquire and figure things out for themselves. So a command is highly contingent upon if he thinks it is the right thing to do, he will do it- if he doesn’t agree with it, he won’t.

Allow her an opportunity to explore the problem.

Make statements about her behavior or actions that allow her to explore possible options and figure out the right course of action.

• Ask questions versus giving advice:

We don’t need to come up with answers for our kids. We just need to ask them the ‘right questions’. Instead of giving our well-meaning advice, we can focus on asking questions that might help them to solve the problem on their own.

• Set limits with the child:

Exasperated with the endless why questions that come with every instruction or request you say?

Flip the tables.

Instead of going down the rabbit hole, ask her the reason- why do you think I asked you to do this, or I want you to stop doing that?

You are welcome!

• Offer two choices:

We are barking away orders and it is falling over deaf ears. Let him feel the master of his own destiny- give him choices. Of course, offer those which you can live with and not harbor resentment at giving away your power.

• Let them learn through experience:

It is the heatwave and my son wants to run barefoot on the footpath. It is the cold wave and my son still wants to run barefoot on the footpath. I let him loose. No harm was done, seriously. And he hasn’t attempted those feats since.

So sometimes when they refuse to listen, and we know that they will not come to major harm and may learn their lesson only through experiencing it, let them be.

We don’t have to take the role of the ‘bad guy’- we have to be the leader that helps them learn about the world.

• Give them a do-over:

Let’s just accept the fact that we all sometimes act impulsive- Fire first, think later. So do our children. Instead of reprimanding or correcting their misbehavior, give them a rewind.

‘Oops… can we enact that again, in a more polite manner?’

Our children get the message that we trust them and they have better skills. Let's channel their inexhaustible energy in a more positive manner.